While most teenagers intuitively understand the social norms and conventions around dating, this may not be the case for autistic teenagers. In order to navigate the journey to your first relationship successfully, it is important to read subtle non-verbal communication that indicates mutual attraction and explore one another’s expectations in a romantic relationship. Typical teenagers have the advantage of observation and discussions of the subject with their peers to assist them in this.
Autistic teenagers on the other hand, may be delayed by several years in being interested in a romantic relationship and have difficulty resonating with their peers’ interest in dating. They are also often socially isolated and may not have a circle of friends who discuss and disclose information on dating and sexuality.
Crushes, Dating, and Romantic Relationships
Crushes
The journey of romance begins with a crush. For individuals with autism, interpreting these new feelings and emotions can be confusing and overwhelming.
- Firstly, acknowledge that these feelings are natural and valid.
- Keep open communication with your child about their feelings and how they intend to express them. Be supportive.
- Encourage your child to seek advice from a trusted adult if they are uncomfortable discussing their new feelings with a parent.
- Remember, kids start experiencing romantic feelings, crushes, and even sexual feelings around puberty, no matter their developmental level.
- If your child finds it difficult to understand or share these natural emotions, as a parent, it’s key to know these feelings can still occur and may be acted upon.
Appropriate Interactions and Boundaries
Interpreting social cues can be challenging for individuals with autism. Inappropriate interactions often arise from misunderstandings about social boundaries. Sometimes, people with autism might unintentionally cross these boundaries due to a lack of understanding. Unfortunately, this can lead to serious unintended consequences.
At home or with a therapist, teach:
- Social cues
- Personal space
- Asking permission before touching
- Nuances of verbal and non-verbal communication
- How to remove themselves from an unsafe situation
- How to report when someone behaves inappropriately
This lack of understanding can sometimes lead to innocent yet inappropriate behaviors. Touching without permission is a serious issue that is commonly seen in autism. Autistic individuals may not realize that holding hands, hugging, or touching someone’s hair may be perceived as invasive.
Therefore, teach clear and consistent boundaries and consent:
- Always ask before touching someone, even if it is a family member.
- Parents should model these boundaries for their children and require other family members to do the same.
- Innocently following their crush around due to their intense interest or affection can be perceived as stalking.
- Teach personal space and everyone’s right to privacy.
- Explain the difference between showing interest and invading someone’s personal space. If this remains an issue, your child may need a support person to walk with them and intervene if they begin to follow a crush.
The Importance of Consent
Essentially, consent is having permission or agreement for something to happen. It can be broken down into three parts:
- Respecting the other person’s right to say “no.”
- Understanding non-verbal signals that imply “no.”
- Understanding that consent can be withdrawn at any time.
Dating
Dating is a tricky endeavor for anyone. For someone with autism, these complex social dynamics can be puzzling and difficult to navigate. However, this does not mean that people with autism cannot date or enjoy romantic relationships. If your child is interested in dating, here are a few things to consider when supporting them.
- Dating involves understanding other people’s feelings, expressions, and responses.
- Work on this complex skill through social skills classes and role-playing.
- Talk through your interactions with your child to explain what you are feeling and your responses.
- Give your child many opportunities to interact and practice interpreting others’ emotions in a safe space with feedback.
- Together, explore books that teach dating skills.
- Always let friends and family know where you are going, who you are with, and when to expect you back home.
- Each person should have their own transportation.
- Meet the other person at the location of the date.
- Meet in a public, safe spot.
- At the beginning of the dating relationship, do not give out personal information like address, workplace, or times you are home alone.
- Be aware of your food and drinks and never leave them unattended.
- Go with a trusted friend or on a group date.
- Research your date online and look for suspicious activity.
- Stay sober.
- Finally, trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable, leave your date.
Also, online dating platforms and apps often harbor individuals who may have bad intentions or aim to scam others. So, it is crucial for your child to know how to tell genuine people apart from potential threats.
Sexual Relationships
Entering a sexual relationship is a significant step that requires understanding, communication, and, most importantly, consent. This is a critical topic for everyone, and individuals with autism are no exception.
- First, a person needs to understand one’s body and sexual health.
- Respecting personal and sexual boundaries is fundamental to any relationship.
- Additionally, emphasize that boundaries can change and differ from person to person.
- Many autistic individuals experience sensory processing issues, which can significantly impact sexual relationships.
- Finally, support your child and remind them there is no shame in seeking help and advice.
Handling Rejection
Rejection is an unavoidable part of dating. For people with autism, this can be a particularly distressing experience.
- To begin with, all people need emotional awareness and an appropriate expression of their emotions, such as disappointment, anger, and sadness.
- Secondly, normalize rejection.
- Healthy coping skills should be explicitly taught to help your child have healthy ways of coping with disappointment and sadness.
- Resilience building is crucial to navigating all aspects of life.
- Finally, seek professional help if your child’s struggles with rejection go beyond your capacity.
Dating Advice for Autistic Teens and Young Adults
Spectrum Life Magazine has the following dating advice for autistic teens:
1. Asking someone on a date.
Asking someone out on a date can be the most challenging part of dating for socially struggling individuals—regardless of age. It leaves you open to rejection, and the person you ask could feel embarrassed. Some basic social skill practices will help you approach this part of dating more confidently.
First, set the scene: Choose the right place and time to ask someone out. Pick a quiet place where no one else can hear you. This will give you both some privacy and can go a long way to establishing a level of comfort in your communication.
Start the conversation by trading information about your shared interests, e.g., music, dogs, or anime. Then, you can ask your would-be date if they would join you for an activity based on your common interest. "Would you like to see a show/walk our dogs/go to the anime show with me?" is a closed-ended question that will likely result in a yes, no, or maybe answer.
Assuming they say yes, you can ask follow-up questions to nail down the particulars of the date. You can ask those questions right then and there or plan to get in touch by phone or text to figure out the details of your date.
2. Choosing the right place.
Your first meeting with this person should be simple and public, like grabbing a cup of coffee at a cafe or getting some ice cream and going for a walk. Keep it short and sweet when you're first getting to know someone. This allows you to figure out if this is the kind of person with whom you want to spend more time. Going to a public place for your initial meeting or first few dates is a good practice to adopt for your own personal safety. This applies whether you're the person who's being asked out or the one doing the asking.
Picking the right place is also vital for individuals with sensory processing difficulties. If you get overwhelmed by too much noise, let your date know you prefer a quiet place to become acquainted. On the other hand, if you like highly energetic environments, see if your date is comfortable going to an arcade, a busy cafe, or a concert — but save these more stimulating activities for follow-up dates.
3. Connecting over common interests.
Common interests are a solid foundation for any type of friendship — romantic or not. People who share a neurotype tend to gravitate toward each other, so you may want to connect over shared interests. For example, you may both love to dance, see live music, or watch movies.
4. Taking safety precautions when meeting someone new.
Your safety is paramount when dating. If the person you're going out with isn't someone you know well or have never met before, arrange to meet in a public place the first time you connect with them.
If you feel unsafe on a date at any time, try to get near other people who can help you. Pay attention to the warning signs in your gut and on your skin. Don't take rides with people you don't know, even if you've met them once or twice. Consider using a rideshare app for transportation; it is a much safer option until you get to know someone.
Always tell a friend, social support, or parent when you're going out to meet someone. Tell them what you'll be doing and where and when you'll be back. If you're having a good time and stay out later, let your support person know so they don't worry.
5. Making an excellent first impression.
You only get one chance to make a first impression. Successful dating requires paying attention to your hygiene and appearance, regardless of who you’re dating. You should be comfortable on a date and put extra effort in to make a good impression. Questions to consider as you prepare for your date:
- Are my clothes clean and appropriate for the event?
- Is my hair washed and combed?
- Did I put on deodorant?
- Did I brush my teeth so that my breath is fresh?
Checking these off as you prepare for your date will go a long way toward making a great impression.
6. Letting your social skills shine.
The absolute best way to get to know others is by asking questions. Thoughtful and curious questions show the other person you're interested in learning more about them. When your date shares something about themselves, ask follow-up questions to bring out more information. People generally enjoy talking about themselves and the things that they're interested in.
You'll also want to answer your own questions, in case your date doesn't ask you. This way, you have a two-way conversation while allowing the other person to get to know you.
Actively listening, asking questions, and paying attention are all social skills that can be learned and practiced to make your dating efforts more comfortable, confident, and successful.
7. Paying attention without sustained eye contact.
Sustained eye contact can dysregulate some autistic people. However, it's also a nonverbal way to communicate. Making eye contact with your date shows them you're interested in them.
However, if making eye contact is difficult for you, tell your date so they know not to take it personally. You can always look at their mouth, forehead, or eyebrows if the intensity of eye contact is too uncomfortable. Practice with some friends you trust or with a family member.
8. Going with the flow.
People run late, have bad days at school or work, and cancel plans at the last minute. This doesn't mean that your date has lost interest in you. Unexpected things come up that are out of the people's control. It isn't always about you.
Try to be understanding and assume the best. If it becomes a recurring pattern, ask yourself whether you're okay with your date's behavior or if you would rather see someone more reliable. You get to choose who gets to spend time with you.
9. Exploring physical intimacy.
Physical intimacy is one of the key differences between a romantic relationship and a friendship. Dating is not an assurance of physical affection or sex. People arrive at a point of readiness at different times—or never at all. Getting — or granting — consent is crucial before you make or respond to any moves toward intimacy.
Give your date nonverbal clues that you find them attractive and interesting. Turning your body toward them, nodding, and smiling as they speak are all great ways to show interest. As you become more familiar and comfortable, you might progress to subtle physical intimacy, like touching your date's arm or moving to sit closer together, shoulder to shoulder. Even these sorts of subtle physical contact may require consent.
Advancing to more intimate displays of affection, like holding hands, hugging, kissing, and (maybe) sex DEFINITELY requires consent. If the other person wants to engage in intimacy, they will be more than happy to say yes! If not, you'll be glad you asked first rather than have them move away or recoil.
Every relationship moves at a different pace regarding physical intimacy; ask your date directly if they are comfortable and interested in physical intimacy before you initiate it. Similarly, if you're asked to get more intimate, clearly state what you're comfortable with and when. You don't owe more of an explanation. No is a complete sentence.
HOT TIP: Consent is not automatically granted, even though it may have been in the past. Consent may be withdrawn at any time for any reason…and should be respected, even if it's uncomfortable or frustrating. Before advancing intimacy, always check in with your date or partner.
10. Handling rejection
There's a 50% chance that the person you ask out on a date won't say yes. Rejection is a normal part of dating; it happens to everyone, and it often hurts to be turned down. If you're rejected by a would-be date, shift the conversation back to your shared interests to help you both avoid embarrassment or discomfort.
If someone rejects you, don't ask why. This can set you up for unnecessary emotional pain. Because you share a common interest, you may be able to cultivate a meaningful friendship with this person. We can always have more trustworthy and kind people in our support network — in our circle of real friends.
Conclusion
Dating while neurodivergent can be intimidating, discouraging, and a grand adventure! The excitement of dating can be enjoyable, but it can also be draining, particularly for anxious, shy, or socially awkward individuals. Check in with your body and nervous system after your date for clues about what it felt like to be with this person (interoception). Do you feel tense, or do you feel relaxed? You may find that you need time alone after a date to decompress and reset your nervous system (self-regulation).
As with most social interactions, it takes patience to become comfortable and confident. Practicing these tips with friends or a family member will go a long way toward helping you navigate the complexities of dating.
Additional Resources
Organization for Autism Research (OAR): Sex Ed for Self-Advocates
Autism Parenting Magazine: Autism Dating- An Honest Dating Guide for Autistic People
Autism Speaks: Dating- Tips for autistic teens and adults
The Dating Game and Autistic Adolescents by Professor Tony Attwood and Dr Michelle Garnett
Book Recommendations